Don't Rely On the Book
by Queen Bookworm the First
Summary: Crack!fic Voldemort discovers the book "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" during the Battle of Hogwarts.


**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Harry Potter.

 **AN** : My brother actually gave me the idea for this when I told him I had to write a Voldemort Wins!AU for QLFC. So, all credit goes to him!

Quidditch Pitch: They never stood a chance. (sentence)

Drabble Club: paper (word)

Greek Mythology Category Competition: Ares: Write about either of the Wizarding wars.

Percy Jackson Character Challenge: Ares: Write about a war.

Cinema Competition II: Bridesmaids – Funny, dorky, and so sweet. Write a comedy of any kind: humor, crack, parody, etc.

* * *

Voldemort glanced down at the book in his hands, an evil smile curving his lips. Then again, when were Voldemort's smiles not evil?

"I have a perfect idea!" he said to his Death Eaters. "Take a look at this marvelous creation!"

Bellatrix leaned forward, squinting. "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," she read. Her eyes were wide.

"This, this wonderful being, is a book describing Potter's life!" Gasps were heard all over the clearing. "We can use this to our power!"

"How, my lord?" Bellatrix asked, her eyes dancing with bloodlust—as usual.

Voldemort shot a glare at her. "I do not permit speaking while I am speaking, Bellatrix! Crucio!"

Bellatrix writhed, clenching her jaw in a successful attempt not to scream. When he released the curse, she gasped for breath and cried a quick, "Forgive me, my lord!"

"Now, let us take our victory!" Voldemort cackled, his eyes gleaming.

They would _never_ stand a chance.

* * *

Voldemort tapped his fingers on the stone impatiently. How long did it take for Potter to crawl here?

Sure, he could've done _it_ before Potter came, but he'd rather see the look on Potter's face first.

Finally, he heard footsteps.

Potter's face appeared from behind a pillar. He walked out and stood, trembling ever so slightly, before Voldemort.

"Hello, Potter!" Voldemort said cheerfully.

"Voldemort," Potter hissed.

"You see, I've come up with quite an ingenious plan."

"Oh, really?" Potter raised an eyebrow.

Voldemort held up the book. "Using this book, I will be able to kill you."

"Weren't you going to AK me?" Potter asked, eyes confused.

"Oh, but this is much better!" Voldemort smirked. He opened the book to a certain page and started to read.

"' _Kill.'_

 _There was a terrible scream. Harry saw Snape's face losing the little color it had left; it whitened as his black eyes widened, as the snake's fangs pierced his neck, as he failed to push the enchanted cage off himself, as his knees gave way and he fell to the floor._

" _I regret it," said Voldemort coldly._

 _He turned away; there was no sadness in him, no remorse. It was time to leave this shack and take charge, with a wand that would now do his full bidding. He pointed it at the starry cage holding the snake, which drifted upward, off Snape, who fell sideways onto the floor, blood gushing from the wounds in his neck. Voldemort swept from the room without a backward glance, and the great serpent floated after him in its huge protective sphere._

 _Back in the tunnel and his own mind, Harry opened his eyes; He had drawn blood biting down on his knuckles in an effort not to shout out. Now he was looking through the tiny crack between crate and wall, watching a foot in a black boot trembling on the floor,"_ Voldemort finished. "So, you were there the whole time, were you, Potter?"

"How…" Potter faltered, and he stared at the book in horror.

Voldemort opened the book to the first blank page, and he conjured a quill with a wave of his wand. "Voldemort, the most powerful… wizard of all… pointed his… amazing wand… at the idiot… named Potter… and yelled… with power, 'Avada… Kedavra!' Potter… fell dead… and everyone… became… happy!" Voldemort finished his writing with a quick dot. "Done!"

Before their very eyes, Potter fell to the ground, unmoving, his eyes dim.

"I have won!" Voldemort declared, giving Potter's body a kick. "I have defeated Harry Potter!"

"No!" Screams of despair sounded around the courtyard; it was music to his ears.

A trembling girl stepped forward, her eyes hard and determined. It was the Mudblood, Granger. "Harry might have… might have died, but we're not going to give up so easily." She pulled out her own copy of the book, holding it up for all to see in a triumphant manner.

She quickly flipped it open and began writing furiously, reading aloud. "Voldemort… decided to sacrifice… himself… and using… an ancient magic… he gave… Harry… life again… with his… own death."

Voldemort's thin lips parted in a silent scream. Then, in an almost robotic manner, he pointed his wand at his head and whispered, "Avada Kedavra."

The Dark Lord fell dead, his wand slipping out of his limp fingers.

Potter leaped up, his eyes no longer lifeless.

"Not so fast, Mudblood!" Bellatrix snarled. She waved a copy of the book. "Luckily, I made myself a copy." She scribbled something quickly on a blank page. "The Dark Lord came back to life!"

Voldemort pushed himself off the ground with a cackle. "Voldemort always wins!"

Hermione and Voldemort both began writing in their books, quills a blur. But before they could finish, the books burst into flames, the paper turning into ashes.

"Oh, no…"


End file.
